Well another year has started and I'd like to say that it was the perfect end to a perfect year. I'd like to but in truth I can't. A year which started full of stress ended the same way, and sadly encroached into the start of this one. But thankfully, so far it was only one day so things can change. And if I have anything to do with it, they will.
We had a relatively quiet holiday this year, by usual standards. This was the first one for a few years that I was totally at home with the kids - in the past I would spend a few days up at the shop finishing off gifts and family cards, so I would have some escape from the build up of stress that goes with having excited children and holiday preparations in the same house. Tony and I would take turns at home and at work - this year I was at home while Tony was out at work most days. And if truth be told, I've loved every minute of it. Seeing the kids get up in the morning, excited because one more sleep was over was wonderful but trying to sort everything on my own as well as entertain 4 of them did take it's toll. Not to mention having to constantly remind their father of the fact that we were just the same at that age. And believe me, dealing with 2 very excited children, a 3 year old who thinks every gift that comes into house is for him, a 1 year old who, bless her, had to spend most days in the babywalker (and hated it!) in an effort to save the tree and getting the last of the prep done was a doddle compared to having to deal with a 47 year old who makes Scrooge look nice!
I'll admit it must be hard for him - he has a lot to take in. Having spent quite a few years studying as a Jehovah's Witness, he had enough on his plate getting back into the swing of celebrating Christmas - then he met me and had to get used to celebrating Yule as well. But you'd think after nearly 12 years he'd be used to it all now. It feels as though somewhere along the way he's decided that if I'm the expert then I should sort it. Which, and don't tell him this, I love doing. But, sometimes it just gets too much for one person to deal with on their own and unfortunately, sometimes I let it! This year, it hit on Old Years Day.....
I spent most of the 1st day of this year trying to figure out what my problem was, why do I react the way I do to the most stupidest of situations. When did I change from being the type of person who just went along with things, letting problems arrive but never letting them get to me. When did I start letting things get to me, overwhelm me and turn me into the type of person - the type of mother - I hate. And more importantly, why do I let Ryan's behaviour get me so angry and wound up when I spend so much time reminding Tony that he's still just a child.
Is it because the Capricorn in me demands perfection - not just in myself but in those around me. Is it down to a battle between my inner child and the adult that I've unwillingly become. Or is it something as simple as a clash of personalities or an extreme lack of sleep! And the answer I came up with ... most likely a combination of all of them. But the fact remains that somewhere along the line I've changed into a person I'm not altogether happy being and I want to get back to being ME. Perhaps the problem is that I haven't changed - that I'm still going along with things, doing what's expected of me until it gets to the point where I can't be everything to everyone and the frustration explodes from me. As a teenager, when all the grinning and bearing got to much for me, I would hide out in my bedroom, watching videos, singing to the radio or drawing. Now I'm an adult I have to keep grinning and bearing it to the point where it gets to boiling point. Something which HAS to change!
I stopped making resolutions along time ago. Let's face it, with my stress levels the way they are, I'm hardly going to be giving up the smoking anytime soon! But each year I like to make a list of things I'd like to try to do in the coming months. The usual suspects are on the list - lose weight, stop smoking and biting my nails, be more compassionate to my fellow in-mates...... but, thinking about it,`if I was going to make any resolutions this year, it would be just two - I need to learn how to organise what time I have so I can have more time for myself to do the things I want and need to do. But more importantly I need to learn how to ask for that time - to not be afraid to ask for that time, rather than what I'm doing now in just trying to keep going until eventually I explode and alienate those people. I need to re-learn how to talk to Tony and the children so that we can re-claim what we've misplaced. And more importantly I need to remember that I am just one person, people like me for who I am, not what I am or what I can do for them. And I need to stop taking things so bloody personally!